The next Move was intellectual, and
consolidated the first Move. I read in Alexander's Space Time and Deity his
theory of "Enjoyment" and "Contemplation." These are
technical terms in Alexander's philosophy; "Enjoyment" has nothing to
do with pleasure, nor "Contemplation" with the contemplative life.
When you see a table you "enjoy" the act of seeing and
"contemplate" the table. Later, if you took up Optics and thought
about Seeing itself, you would be contemplating the seeing and enjoying the
thought. ... We do not "think a thought" in the same sense in which
we "think that Herodotus is unreliable." When we think a thought,
"thought" is a cognate accusative (like "blow" in
"strike a blow"). We enjoy the thought (that Herodotus is unreliable)
and, in so doing, contemplate the unreliability of Herodotus.
I accepted this distinction at once
and have ever since regarded it as an indispensable tool of thought. ... It
seemed to me self-evident that one essential property of love, hate, fear,
hope, or desire was attention to their object. To cease thinking about or
attending to the woman is, so far, to cease loving; to cease thinking about or
attending to the dreaded thing is, so far, to cease being afraid. But to attend
to your own love or fear is to cease attending to the loved or dreaded object.
In other words the enjoyment and the contemplation of our inner activities are
incompatible. You cannot hope and also think about hoping at the same moment.
... This was not merely a logical result of Alexander's analysis, but could be
verified in daily and hourly experience. The surest means of disarming an anger
or a lust was to turn your attention from the girl or insult and start
examining the passion itself. The surest way of spoiling a pleasure was to
start examining your satisfaction. But if so, it followed that all
introspection is in one respect misleading. In introspection we try to look
"inside ourselves" and see what is going on. But nearly everything
that was going on a moment before is stopped by the very act of our turning to
look at it. Unfortunately this does not mean that introspection finds nothing.
On the contrary, it finds precisely what is left behind by the suspension of
all our normal activities; and what is left behind is mainly mental images and
physical sensations. The great error is to mistake this mere sediment or track
or byproduct for the activities themselves. That is how many men may come to
believe that thought is only unspoken words, or the appreciation of poetry only
a collection of mental pictures, when these are in reality are what the thought
or the appreciation, when interrupted, leave behind. ... We do not love, fear,
or think without knowing it. Instead of the twofold division into Conscious and
Unconscious, we need a threefold division: the Unconscious, the Enjoyed, and
the Contemplated.
This discovery flashed a new light
back on my whole life. I saw that in all my waitings and watching for Joy, all
my vain hope to find some mental content on which I could, so to speak, lay my
finger and say, "This is it," had been a futile attempt to
contemplate the enjoyed. ... I knew now that they were merely the mental track
left by the passage of Joy - not the wave but the wave's imprint on the sand.
There was no doubt that Joy was a
desire. But a desire is turned not to itself but to its object. Not only that,
but it owes all its character to its object. Erotic love is not like desire for
food, nay, a love for one woman differs from a love for another woman in the
very same way and the very same degree as the two women differ from one
another. ... The form of the desired is in the desire. ... Joy itself,
considered simply as an event in my own mind, turned out to be of no value at
all. All the value lay in that of which Joy was desiring. And that object,
quite clearly, was no state of my own mind or body at all. In a way, I had
proved this by elimination. ... Inexorably Joy proclaimed, "You want - I
myself am your want of - something other, outside, not you nor any state of
you." I did not yet ask, Who is the desired? only What is it? But this
brought me already into the region of awe, for I thus understood that in
deepest solitude there is a road right out of the self, a commerce with something
which, by refusing to identify itself with any object of the senses, or
anything whereof we have biological or social need, or anything imagined, or
any state of our own minds, proclaims itself sheerly objective. Far more
objective than bodies, for it is not, like them, clothed in our senses; the
naked Other, imageless (though our imagination salutes it with a hundred
images), unknown, undefined, desired.