He realized his lack of knowledge formed the basis of his unbelief. As Lewis explained in a letter written shortly after his transition, “What has been holding me back . . . has not been so much a difficulty in believing as a difficulty in knowing . . . you can’t believe a thing while you are ignorant what the thing is.”

Nicholi, Armand (2002-04-03). The Question of God (p. 93). Simon & Schuster, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

If he had all the answers, why did the question of God’s existence continue to preoccupy him? Perhaps Lewis would say we can never explain away God. Nor can we find rest until that deep-seated desire (experienced by both Freud and Lewis) is satisfied.

Nicholi, Armand (2002-04-03). The Question of God (p. 51). Simon & Schuster, Inc.. Kindle Edition.


Lewis said that when he was an atheist, his life also was full of contradictions. He writes: “I was at this time living, like so many Atheists . . . in a whirl of contradictions. I maintained that God did not exist. I was also very angry with God for not existing. I was also equally angry with Him for creating a world . . . why should creatures have the burden of existence forced on them without their consent?” Even as an atheist, Lewis realized his ambivalence toward God—a part of him wanting desperately that God not exist, another part strongly desiring His existence.

Nicholi, Armand (2002-04-03). The Question of God (pp. 51-52). Simon & Schuster, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

he lists the personal experiences that led to his pessimism and that, in turn, formed the basis of his atheism: “The early loss of my mother, great unhappiness at school, and the shadow of the last war and presently the experience of it, had given me a very pessimistic view of existence. My atheism was based on it: and it still seems to me that far the strongest card in our enemies’ hand is the actual course of the world: and that, quite apart from particular evils like wars and revolutions. The inherent ‘vanity’ of the ‘creature,’ the fact that life preys on life, that all beauty and happiness is produced only to be destroyed—this was what stuck in my gullet.”

Nicholi, Armand (2002-04-03). The Question of God (p. 113). Simon & Schuster, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Another metaphor for knowing the truth about God when he writes that he believes in God, "as I believe the sun has rise, not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else." Imagine trying to look directly as the sun in order to learn about it. You can't do it. A far better way to learn about the existence, power and quality of the sun is to look at the world it shows you, to recognize how it sustains everything you see and enables you to see it 


- The Reason for God, locations 1977-76